I think this is important

So there's an essay that's been churning in my heart and mind since our last passage through Canada. (By the way, I am back in Canada at L'Abri). I have to credit Brennan Manning with much of the core of these musings. He wrote of contemplation, describing it as looking at someone/something with love. As that swirled around my heart, it touched so many places--both painful and sweet. I felt the ache of loneliness reflecting on times when those closest to me could not or did not see me. The wonder of being fully (as fully as possible) seen and gently cared for as something cherished flowered over the ache. And then it was partly blemished by the times when someone has known me and exploited that understanding, leaving me feeling used.

What do I mean when I talk about being seen? We are each so complex, that I don't know that we can ever truly, completely know one another, but I think we can learn to receive each moment with another in a way without anticipating or projecting so that the other can be as whole as possible. This means that we hide less from each other and don't shrink back from anything we behold in another. Even when what I might see is distasteful, it isn't rejected or scorned but accepted as part of the whole. It may not be a pleasant part, but if it is truly present, then it cannot be denied. Furthermore, in order to see another, we must allow each person to define herself or himself instead of putting her or him in a box labeled with a few key characteristics. Boxes are neater, but they prevent us from ever seeing more than a label and if I create a box, then I am the one who controls the identity of what's inside the box (at least in my own box-filled world)

Arghh! This is so abstract and hard for me to explain. . .maybe that's why I've put of writing. I know! Let me tell you a story of while Holly and I were baxkpacking. During the trip, we enjoyed incredible scenery, laughed at our unlikely adventures. I noticed that I spoke really critically at times, not all the time, but sometimes it slipped out like I was this perfect backpacker and we needed to have a perfect trip, and in order for that to happen I had to keep everyone in line. This of course was followed by self-loathing and regret. I apologized to Holly, and we continued on our way, but I was discouraged by what I saw of myself. A few nights later, as we began our "debriefing," Holly said something to the effect of, "I really like you, Katy." Really?? Even after you saw all that yuckiness? "Yeah, I am so glad to be on this trip with you."

There was this huge expansion in my heart. On this trip, with more intensity than everyday life, we have seen so much of each other--good and bad. And in her way, Holly did not censor or discredit what she saw, but received it all as part of me. Part of living this journey together has been cheering for each other, rejoicing in who the other is and even hoping for more for the other. The undercurrent of contentment with each other even in the truth of who we really are washed over me with grace that I sometimes cannot live towards myself. As it came from Holly and, I believe, originates with God, it seeps deeply into my soul, infusing me with courage to live who I am fully. This is the power of being seen and being cared for.